Bored with writing blog posts about appropriate admissions topics, I decided to see if I could goad Kristen and Jeff into a little tiff over who will win today’s Annual Fletcher Barbecue Dessert Baking Contest. I sent an innocent message to both of them, and here’s the transcript that ensued. (Kristen works on the fourth floor. Jeff works right next to me. Email was the best medium for their trash talk.)
Me: How about a baked-goods smackdown in the blog? Whaddya think?
Kristen: I can’t do that. I’ve never had a baked good made by Jeff. He’s all talk.
Me: Sounds like the smackdown is ON!! (Or will be, once Jeff gets back to the office.)
Kristen: I mean, I think it’s on. Who even knows if Jeff really knows how to cook? In fact, he should submit a video of himself making the recipe as proof.
Jeff: I got you beat, Zecchi. I cook, and I cook quite well (although I do ask for guidance and suggestions from time to time — I like to ensure others are happy). But, as for the cookies, it’s on! My only question is: Who will the judges be, and are we allowed to poll them first to ensure we make the cookies to their liking? Or should we start with the same basic recipe and put our own twist to it? I will have pictures taken of me in the kitchen. Oh, and if you hadn’t given up sweets last spring, you could have tried the St. Louis Gooey Butter Cake I made. Remember???
Kristen: YOU didn’t make that. You told me Archie did. But then again, you said it wasn’t great, and if that’s the case, you MUST have been the one who made it.
Jeff: That is a lie! I totally made it and I take credit for it. I did say it wasn’t that great, because I forgot it in the oven and may have overcooked it a bit. Nonetheless, it was still quite tasty, just not as moist as I would have liked. Oh, I also used the wrong kind of yeast, so the base didn’t rise and was quite dense – hahaha…
Me: Ooooo, Kristen – he accused you of lying! Are you going to let him get away with that?
Kristen: Jessica, the poker. You know, what makes this hard is that I really want to say, “Oh, you used the wrong yeast? Tell me more. I sometimes overbake things, too.” But instead I have to say, “What kind of ‘baker’ would use the wrong kind of yeast?”
I do not lie. Ever. In fact, I introduced Jeff to our mutual favorite cooking blog. That shows you the kind and generous person that I am. What does he do? Bring in something delicious-looking when he KNOWS I can’t eat it.
Jeff: Hmmm. So, yes, we have both active and instant yeast, and I didn’t look at the label. I have learned my lesson and shall not make that mistake again. I shouldn’t have called you a liar; you are in fact a very truthful and generous person. Thank you for all you do. However, it’s not my problem that you chose to abstain from sweets. Also, if I recall correctly, you didn’t even see the delicious treats as you had some lame excuse (my child fell, blah blah) as to why you weren’t able to join us for a fun-filled Saturday of working on financial aid.
Kristen: So typical. I bring my child to the emergency room, and Jeff tries to make me feel bad about it. THAT’S IT, CARBONE. You’re going DOWN!
Jeff: O.K., reverse. Let’s take kids out of it.… Zecchi, my cookies are better than your cookies. My cookies bring all the boys to the yard.
Kristen: Like this? I’m making it today.
Jeff: Wow. I can’t write any more, because I can only think of mean things that totally aren’t true. I can’t even say the other mean things.
Kristen: I’m laughing out loud now. Not LOL. Actually laughing.
There you have it, blog readers. Peace restored to the Admissions staff. All that remains now is to find out who wins the bake-off: Kristen? Jeff? Or another member of the Fletcher community? Stay tuned for the results.
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