98 Nights

  “I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep.”

-Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse 5 

Six months of my present, lived.  And to the point, look at what a happy present I’m living in. In our minds the present is a moving picture. But it’s only an instant and then we have a new present. I think that’s why we rush ourselves so much. We want a new, better, new, better present now. But its not worth it because then we lose the present present, which is incredibly wide and overwhelmingly deep. You can come to this conclusion about the vastness of the present by thinking of what your first grade teacher is doing right now. That present, I would assume, is greatly different than yours. And that fact in itself is beautiful. It shows how much of the present is ours. Stretch your arms up above your head. Feel the movement. This is the present. You can feel it, touch it, smell it, taste it. You can believe in it and you can love or hate it. You can keep it. And the way you treat it determines who you are. 

This year has given me a sense of time like I never knew before. I’m human meaning I have every present moment that exists at my fingertips. Every moment that has existed, does exist, or will exist is here in this present. This year I have had moments where I wished time away. I have had moments where I paused time in my head to grip the experience. I didn’t realize how much life can change when you live completely in the moment. It’s incredible. It’s so happy. It is so so much more fulfilling. There doesn’t even have to be a fast or a slow. Just an awareness that the measurement of time, which human beings created, is constantly moving. That shouldn’t be pressuring though. Because what happens, happens and frankly most of the time it’s out of our control. 

At the beginning, I was lost in my work in a sense that I was just going through the motions. I preconceived, I worried, I missed. It’s the way we are taught by society to live over the years. The girls taught me that through patience and appreciation I can access every present moment’s magnitude by simply being. They are children so that is natural for them. They don’t contemplate they just live. It’s beautiful. It’s simple. I’ve found that by acknowledging movement, health, material, and culture in every moment it’s easy to just be- to just experience. I’m so grateful for this year’s gift of real presents. 

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