JAMES ADLER'S MATH JOKES  NEW


Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered 
"Polynomial. Polygon."


What do you get when you cross a chicken and a duck?	           
Chicken Duck sin theta


What do you get when you cross an apple with an elephant?.........
apple elephant sin(theta)!


What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?
Nothing!  You can't cross a vector and a scalar!


A physicist, mathematician, and engineer sign up for a psychology
study.  The study involves placing the person in a sealed room with no
windows for 1 week.  The only thing they are given is a piece of
paper, a pencil, and a sealed can of tuna.  After 1 week, the
psychologists go to check on the subjects.  

They enter the engineer's room to find nothing written on the piece of
paper, hundreds of dents all along the walls, and the engineer in the
corner with the empty can of tuna.  He had thrown the can against the
wall enough times that it eventually busted open and he could eat the
tuna.  

They then went to the physicists room.  There, they found a bunch of
calculations written on the paper, one dent on the wall, and the
physicist in the corner with the empty can of tuna.  He calculated at
what angle and what velocity he would have to throw the can against
the wall, so that it would open on the first try.  

Finally, they go to the mathematicians room.  There, they find the
piece of paper with all sorts of calculations written on the front and
back of it and a few written on the walls.  However, there is no
mathematician.  The sealed can of tuna is still sitting in the center
of the room.  All of a sudden, they start to hear noises coming from
the can, so they run to get a can opener and open up the can of tuna.
Out crawls the mathematician, who exclaims,
"Darn!  I got a sign wrong. . . "


Last weekend there was a huge function party.  All the cool functions
were there, including x^2, sin(x), and even cosh(x).  Well, at one
point, x^3 is heading to the bathroom when he notices e^x sitting in a
corner by himself.  So x^3 approaches e^x and asks, "How come you're
not mingling or socializing with everyone else.  e^x replies, "Oh, it
doesn't matter.  No matter how many times I integrate, it's always the
same."



What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by
its diameter? 
Pumpkin Pi!


Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach? 
Because they have sin and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!


A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his
homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks
it's wrong, but also because he doesn't want to be sanctioned for
aiding and abetting.  His classmate calms him down: "Nobody will be
able to trace my homework to you: I'll be changing the names of all
the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on."  Not quite
convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed
assignment to the classmate for copying.  After the deadline, the
student asks: "Did you really change the names of all the variables?"
"Sure!" the classmate replies. "When you called a function f, I called
it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it to y; and when you
were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1..."


A math professor was traveling in a remote foreign land when he runs
into one of his former students.  They start talking and the
professor, who is eating a candy bar, goes to throw the wrapper in the
trash.  He misses, though, and is immediately arrested for littering.
The student is arrested for accessory to littering.  Turns out in this
place that littering is a capital crime, and both the professor and
student are sentenced to death the next day.  They are given one last
request.  The professor says, "Well, I really truly love giving math
lectures.  It would make me very happy to give one last lecture before
I die."  The warden agrees and says that it will all be set up so that
the professor can give the lecture at 8am, and then be executed at 9.
They then turn to the student for their last request.  The student
replies, "Can I be executed at 730?"


There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was
an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been
fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would
send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the
island.  The night before the battle, the knights and their squires
pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom
had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were
busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second
kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone
at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the
third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his one single squire.
This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall
tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished
his own armor.  When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms
sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the
knights to join in).  The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared,
the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom,
having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving
that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the
squires of the other two sides.


There once was a chicken farmer who was having a problem with his
chickens.  They kept dying.  So he decided to call up a vet.  The vet
came, did some tests and concluded that there was nothing wrong, and
that the farmer should just let it pass.  A week goes by and the
chickens are still dying.  So the farmer decides to call up someone
smarter.  He gets a chemist to come by.  The chemist does some blood
tests and analyzes the chickens' fluids.  The tests come back, and the
chemist says they're inconclusive.  Another week goes by and more
chickens die.  The farmer decides to get a really smart person, so he
calls up a physicist.  The physicist comes to the farm, barely looks
at the chickens and starts scribbling on a piece of paper.  After 5
minutes, he stops and claims, “Aha!  I've got the answer!!  But it
only works on spherical chickens in a vacuum”


What is the first derivative of a cow?  Prime Rib!


Four friends had been doing really well in their calculus class: they
have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm.
So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the
weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in
another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning.
As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday
morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally
arrive on campus, the exam is already over. ?They go to the
professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our
friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early
on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one,
and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got
help." ?The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it
was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam
tomorrow morning." ?When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the
students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are
seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had
no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and
confidently, the students start writing. ?The first question - five
points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in integration, and
all four finish it within ten minutes. ?When the first of them has
completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and
reads on the next one: Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire
went flat?


A math professor is giving out the final exam for his course, and
announces that they will have 3 hours to take the exam.  When the time
is up if they do not hand it in right away, they will not get credit
for the exam.  About 2 hours in, a student walks and says he wants to
take the exam.  The professor says, ok, but since you are late, you
only have 1 hour to finish.  The student says that is no problem.  The
last hour goes by and all the students except the one that came in
late turn in their exams.  The professor announces again, that if he
does not get the exam this instance, it will not be graded.  The
student ignores this and continues to take the exam.  The professor
decides that he won't argue anymore and just won't accept the exam.
He starts grading the stack of exams that he has sitting on his desk.
A couple of hours go by and the student finally gets up and goes over
to hand in the exam.  The professor says, "I'm sorry, I asked you to
hand in the exam 2 hours ago and you did not so I will not accept this
test."  The student replies, "Do you know who I am?"  The professor is
a bit taken aback, and says, "I don't care who you are.  You were late
and did not follow the instructions."  The student again replies,
"Yeah, but do you KNOW who I am??"  The professor is now really angry
and yells, "I don't care if you are the president of the university
you are not getting credit for this exam.  I have no idea who you are
and frankly I do not care!"  The student replies, "Great!"  And throws
his exam into the middle of the pile of the other exams and runs out
of the room!


One day an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician go to a
conference but have to share a hotel room.  While they're sleeping,
the engineer wakes up to go to the bathroom.  He smells smoke and goes
out into the hallway.  He notices a small fire.  He quickly sees a
bucket of water, grabs it, runs to the fire and dumps it on the fire,
extinguishing it.  He goes back to bed.  Later that night the
physicist wakes up and has to go to the bathroom.  He also smells
smoke and goes out into the hallway to see another small fire.  He
sees the bucket of water as well, grabs it, and calculates how he has
to throw it while being as far from the fire as possible.  He does
this and extinguishes the fire.  He goes back to bed.  Later, the
mathematician wakes up to go to the bathroom.  He too smells smoke and
goes to the hallway to find another small fire.  He also sees the
bucket of water and claims, “Ah!  A solution exists!” He goes back to
bed.