by Syd
As I sit in the overwhelming and insanely busy Hong Kong airport I can’t help but reminiscence on the past three months that have gone by much faster than my mind can comprehend. For the past week, of course I had known I was leaving soon but, I could not comprehend it until now. Where I am no longer surrounded by the seven other people that make up my goofy and kind cohort and no longer being guided by my incredible instructors P’Bo and Hannah.
We did an activity during our excursion in Chiang Dao, where there were many quotes and we picked our favorite, one that challenged us, and one that changed the way we thought about something. Though I can not remember the quote word for word, to sum it up, it said that we would never be the same person in the exact moment at that time. Though I hadn’t thought much about it at that time, it slowly began to haunt me ( for lack of better words) as my departure date from Chiang Mai came closer and closer. The quote hit me hardest as I said my last goodbyes to my peers and as I waved to my instructors one last time before going through security in the Chiang Mai Airport. It is hard for me to fathom not being together in the same place anymore as much as we tried to convince our instructors to become future Jumbos.
Now as I sit in the Hong Kong airport watching the sun set across the mountains I am feeling so many things, but one of them is a Portuguese word called “Saudade” which is best described as a nostalgic longing for a beloved yet absent something. As I continue to reflect I think that this feeling will follow me for a while. In moments when I speak Tinglish (Thai and English) and no ones laughs or quite understand my heart will hurt just a little. Or moments where I cook Mae Wandee’s recipes but they just don’t taste quite as good as when I was there in Huai Lan. I believe a small portion of my heart was left behind in Thailand. Which is honestly good news for me because it means I have a reason to go back very soon.
Of course I could not write this without actually including a quote and no better than Anthony Bourdain himself who said ““Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.” I know that I have learned so much and am so excited to tell and teach everyone when I get home, and I hope that the Huai Lan community and my instructors know that this experience has had a lasting impact on me. I also hope that I was able to leave something behind for someone even if was something tiny.
As I attempt to readjust to the cold New England weather and lack of sun I think there is a part of me that will mourn Thailand me but there is also so much gratitude for this rich experience and how much I have grown in these past three months.